“My Big Fat Portuguese Doctor!”
Written by Dr. Manuel Luciano da Silva
Member of the Bristol, Rotary Club,
Bristol Rhode Island, U. S.A.
This sketch was inspired on that famous TV movie “My Greek fat wedding”.
The father of the girl was the owner of the Greek restaurant in Chicago. His name was Mr. Portucalus, and he applied, if you remember, Windex spray to clean and cure everything…
This short play was also addressed to an audience composed by American born and Portuguese-Americans Immigrants. Therefore, we took advantage of using similar terms and similar situations to both groups, and we got excellent results!
And we also had the opportunity of teaching – by making people laugh – a few TRUTHFUL historical facts about the impact of the Portuguese history, in the American history…
The Play: My Big Fat Portuguese Doctor!
(1) Dr. Portucalus – Doc Da Silva (With white coat and with stethoscope on his neck)
(2) Medical Assistant (Sue Adams) – Monica (Dressed with white nurse’s coat)
(3) First patient -- ( Marie Roundeau) Pain in the knee and big toe
(4) Second patient – (Diane Holt) With chest pains; and also substituting ....
(5) Third patient ----- ( Jimmy Ferreira) Lots of gas and diarrhea
Medical table covered with white paper
Telephone on the desk
Vase with artificial flowers on the desk
Black doctor’s bag, plus stethoscope, corks and 6 bottles of Windex spray
all the actors had wireless microphones on their chest, so their voices (and other sounds) were heard very clearly in all the theater....
-- Dr. Portucalus, speaking……. (Short pause) Yes, Mrs. Smith, I will be able to make the house call only after my office hours. I will finish here in about one hour.
No, No, I am not Greek. My name Portucalus is Portuguese. The Greeks use the word Portucalus to name the sweet oranges, which they started getting from Lisbon, Portugal , five hundred years ago. It was Vasco da Gama and his sailors that brought the oranges, and tangerines, from China to Portugal in 1498…Interesting, Yes, . You welcome. Thank you, I will see you later when I make the house call.
Doc --- Monica, please, bring the next patient.
The Medical Assistant-Nurse, ( Sue Adams), dressed in a white dress, above the knees, and with a low neck chest, wiggling her hips, brings the patient in, and gives the medical record to the Doctor.
The nurse to the doctor -- Dr. Portucalus – your patient, Mrs. Costa.
Doc -- Mrs. Costa (Marie Rondeau), Good morning. What is your complaint today? You are limping!
Patient – Doctor, I was awaken last night with a severe pain in my right knee, and in my right big toe. It became red and bluish, like the colors of the American flag... See !... (patient raises her right foot to the level of doctor’s face and shows it emphatically the Doctor) . See!
Doc – It smells good… Mrs. Costa, you had an attack of GOTA, the Portuguese word for GOUT.
Patient – But Doctor the pain was excruciating. Even the sheets increase the pain!
Doc – I understand! Does anyone in your family have Gota?
Patient -- Not that I know of. Gota almost sound like the goats my uncle had in Italy
Doc – Oh! Those were taken to Italy , from Portugal , by Julius Caesar!...
Gota is a disease of the rich people and of the American patriots.
Patient - How come?
Doc – All our founding fathers, the signers of the Declaration of Independence had gout. Do you know why?
Patient – NO.
Doc – Do you know what the signers of the Declaration of Independence drank, to celebrate that great historical event?
Patient – Champagne!
Doc-- No
Patient-- Beer!
Doc-- No. They drank Madeira wine! This is an historical fact. They did not know that Madeira wine, which is delicious, caused GOTA or GOUT, because the alcohol content of Madeira wine interferes with EXCRETION of the uric acid by the kidneys.
Madeira wine did not pay customs dues, in those days, to enter this country and therefore it became snobbish then, to drink Madeira wine. Thomas Jefferson had gout, George Washington, Paul Revere, John Hancock, and Benjamin Franklin, too! So, you see, you have a patriotic disease!
Patient – Being from Bristol, I am honored!
Doc - I am going to send you for a blood test for uric acid. But I am going to give you a diet: No. 1, no red meat, No. 2, no boozes, and No. 3, eat plenty of Caldo Verde, Portuguese Green Soup. And No. 4 I want you to follow the diet of the Portuguese flag—eat lots of greens and avoid the whites. I want you to use this magical spray of Windex, which cures everything. I want you to apply it 3 times a day on your knee and on your toe. This will work like a miracle. Remédio Santo! If you have any questions, please call me any time. Good luck. Good Bye, Mrs. Costa.
(They shake hands)
Patient. Many thanks , Doctor
(2) Doc – Monica, please bring in another patient.
Doc – Mrs. Medeiros, what brings you here today?
Patient ( Diane Holt) ( bent forwardly, looking depressed, placing her right hand over her chest). I am concerned about my health. I am scared. I feel depressed and my heart sometimes is jumpy! I have moments of agony.
Doc –Oh, You have agonies! You have hot flashes! This lousy weather does not help ! Too cold and too humid. You need to go to a temperate climate, like Sao Miguel, in the Azores, and while there make sure you drink plenty of Portuguese Tea, or Cha da Gorreana.
Patient – But Doctor I have moments of tightness in my chest.
Doc –All that is due to your agonies! To your have hot flashes…. You need a second honey moon! To get rid of the agonies, or hot flashes, I want you to take this bottle of Windex to Sao Miguel and after taking a bath in Lake of Furnas, I want you to spray all your body with this Windex. You will get all better quickly.
Patient—I hope you are right , Doctor.
Doc – Have a wonderful trip to the old country, Mrs. Medeiros. And return to America all cured. Good Bye! Good luck.
(3) Doc – Monica, please bring in another patient.
Medical Assistant brings another patient who sits on the chair. The nurse waves the medical record as to give the impression that the patient is expelling odorous gases…
The patient comes in, showing pain in his anal region and at the same time holding with his left hand a small bag, which when he squeezes it or sits up and down on the chair, these movements produce the typical noise of farting… provoking loud laughs in the audience…..
Doc – Good morning, Mr. Ferreira, What is bothering you today?
Patient – Doctor, I am loaded with gas.
Doc – From the top or from the bottom?
Patient – From both ends. ( When patient sits produces farting)
Doc – I always thought you were full of hot air… Did you vomit?
Patient -- No, but I have felt nauseated. I have been having a terrible diarrhea!…
(Patient continues to fart)
Doc – Diarrhea! is the Portuguese word for DIARREIA.
How many times did you go today?
Patient – At least a dozen times. Oh Doctor, is so sore down there. I do not like these runs. I feel very weak.
(More farting)
Doctor – Do you know how to say runs in Portuguese?
Patient – No!
(Farting)
Doctor -- Caganeira! …… It rhymes with Ferreira… Let me take your pulse. It is too fast.….. Your blood pressure must be too low. You will need intravenous, a transfusion.
Doctor – You are lucky , you are in America. If you were in Portugal, and had caganeira, and went to an Emergency Room, with more than TWENTY runs, do you know what they would do to you to treat your weakness?
Patient. No.
Doc – They would give you a powerful medication: a transfusion of C …R….A… P… –Since we are in America, I am going to give the best Portuguese treatment for Diarrhea, or caganeira.
(Farting)
In Continental Portugal they produce 95 per cent of the cork in the world. Therefore, I am going to give you this cork, for you to stick, you know where…. The corks come in different sizes…. What size do you want?
Patient – I want the big one!
Doctor – The one we use for the big wine barrel…. OK. You will see that it will work like a gem, like a miracle! Remédio Santo! Since you are so sore, I also want you also to use this spray of Windex, for you to apply after each episode of your caganeira or diarrhea.. I want you not to use it more than three times a day. This spray is made by the same company that make Viagra. It is powerful . Be careful…. I want to wish you lots of luck!
Patient – Many thanks doc. I feel better already.
(They shake hands).
Doc – I am glad!
(Doctor moves to the table to get his bag)
Monica! Please help me to prepare my bag to go for the house call.
Doctor prepares his black bag to go for the house call, and as he lives the stage, he says, turning to the audience.
--I am the only doctor in town that still makes house calls! Ooopa! ( With the black bag on left hand, uses the right hand spraying the Windex) .I am going to cure lots of people with this Windex. After that my nurse is going to do private duty with me….
They leave the stage, with doctor holding the arm of the Monica